


You Know Better Than This

by aytao (pantae)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Delusions, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentall Illness, Paranoia, Tooru is Mental Illness tm and Hajime helps as best he can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6633253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantae/pseuds/aytao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know better than this," Hajime scolds at himself, making a mental note to punch himself in the face, hard. It isn't the first time he messes up, isn't the first time he forgets not to leave the house before Oikawa wakes up, and he's angry with himself for not remembering - again.</p><p>While Hajime runs as fast as he can to his house, praying to whichever God who's listening that Oikawa didn't wake up yet, the cool Monday morning breeze moving against him, slowing his movements, a soft hand searches quietly to a warm body on the bed. When the soft hair is ruffled gently by his own hand, pushing at the sleep-messed hair, the boy's using his other hand to sit up in his bed. His empty, boyfriend-less, cold bed. </p><p>[Oikawa is mentally ill and perfect and panicking]</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Know Better Than This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [huckcrbs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/huckcrbs/gifts).



> Oikawa is my dad and I love him and he's paranoid and perfect and please protect ths boi . . if there will be even one comment about oikawa overreacting then.... well.... suck my dick he's bpd and i love hhim also this wasnt proof read so please correct any mistakes you see Here

When the alarm rings Hajime gets up quickly, still half asleep, turning it off so his tired Captain could get some more sleep. It was something the pair always did - at Sunday there's a sleep-over, at Monday, which is Oikawa's only self-granted day off, they cuddle, watch movies, and if the house is empty and they're in the mood they go beyond cuddling and soft kisses on the couch.

Usually, Hajime gets up with his alarm and going to a morning walk - a habit he's grown accustomed to over the years, thanks to Oikawa's regimen. When they have sleep overs, he always leaves a note by the bed side, leaves a text, a voice message, or even waits until the other wakes up before going out to his run. But today, when his boyfriend - the word still makes Hajime's stomach twist excitedly, despite how close they always were - is curled into himself, cuddling into the blankets that smelled like his team's ace, Hajime feels like there's no need, in a way. That his sweatshirt around Oikawa's torso, his kiss marks from last night would be enough of a reminder for Oikawa to not tangle himself in a jumble of never-ending fears, from Hajime not caring enough to be there to something much, much worse. When Hajime is starting to make his way back he realizes how senseless and illogical that thought is - to not leave anything for his boyfriend to reassure he'll be right there. 

He scolds at himself, angry, speeding up as much as he can, feeling his lungs burning. Oikawa  _needs him_ there, he  _knows_ that, he  _wants_ to be there, and he foolishly left nothing to let the boy know he will return soon enough. "You know better than this," Hajime scolds at himself, making a mental note to punch himself in the face, hard. It isn't the first time he messes up, isn't the first time he forgets not to leave the house before Oikawa wakes up, and he's angry with himself for not remembering - again.

While Hajime runs as fast as he can to his house, praying to whichever God who's listening that Oikawa didn't wake up yet, the cool Monday morning breeze moving against him, slowing his movements, a soft hand searches quietly to a warm body on the bed. When the soft hair is ruffled gently by his own hand, pushing at the sleep-messed hair, the boy's using his other hand to sit up in his bed. His empty, boyfriend-less, _cold_  bed. 

Tooru swallows nervously, stretching over to see if he has a note from (his) Iwa-chan, licking his lips when there's nothing there and he feels uncertainty creep into his expression and posture. He clenches his fists and then spreads his fingers as much as he can, repeating the process a few times. A deep breath, a twist to the side, his movements pushing the fabric of his clothes to expose his back and it makes him remember how Iwa...  _Hajime_ loved it, admired every part of him when they got a little more advanced than their usual kissing. But it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter how he constantly flatters him, makes sure to text him back as fast as he can, it doesn't matter because he's  _not here he's not here he's not here oh my god why is he not here_ Oikawa tries to stop his nervous thoughts, intrusive, unwanted and toxic in his own head, but it only makes them worse. His breath is uneven and shallow, like when Iwa-chan runs his hands down his back, scrapping him gently - only this time, it's because of all the wrong reasons, in all the wrong places, and he starts to shake. He curls the blanket tighter against himself, trying to remember what he's supposed to do in this kind of situation but his mind turns blank, only grabbing him down into a spiral of distress.

When Hajime gets to the other's home, leaning on his knee and panting, Oikawa is already crying, with his door locked. Hajime moves to his Captain's room, trying to open the door, eyes widening in concern as he fails to hear a soft "click" or the creaking of the rusty door as it opens. He wants to say something, his jaw tight and his nerves are on fire. He can hear the soft, repetitive murmurs of "-e hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he ha-" behind the door and his heart twists. "Tooru." he says suddenly, decisively, the only thing in the entire fucking world that he wants is to kiss all the pain away.

Silence. Only Hajime's pants from running and Oikawa's suddenly muffled hiccups can be heard in the house, a distant car driving away. "Tooru, I'm here, please open the door," he requests, pleads,  _begs_ to a trained ear.

"G-go away," a terrified voice reaches him from behind the door and he feels his heart swell with pain, threatening to break his rib cage in tiny little pieces - he feels like he deserves it.

Silence again. Hajime's breathing steadies, only the muffled voiceless sobs are heard now. Hajime hears a sharp inhale, and then a scream that echoes through the corridors, rolling on the walls in terror, rejecting Hajime from his room. He's almost too panicked not to hear the click of the lock, almost too distressed, but then the knob turns and Oikawa does something that can only be defined as  _collapsing_ against Hajime, digging his nails angrily in the other boy's legs, shaking uncontrollably against Hajime. 

Hajime kneels, removing the fingers from his skin so he could hold his hands, and he recognizes something in Oikawa's eyes, something he never wants to even think about when it comes to his Captain - fear. "Oikawa..." he starts, changes his mind and continues; "Tooru, I..." he suddenly finds himself at a loss for words, not knowing how to express his remorse. Oikawa is mumbling terrified lines under his breath, seemingly torn between clinging onto Hajime like dear life and pushing him away and retreat into his room to hide again.

Hajime knew this ever since they were kids - he's his pillar, Oikawa is dependent on him and basically lives off the other's actions towards him. Hajime loved him, he wouldn't mind putting his life on the line for his boyfriend, his biggest want in the world is to keep him safe and happy. 

Oikawa knows this, too, considering Hajime constantly tells him that, but he didn't leave a note and he didn't say and he didn't wait and he  _left_ him there and he  _left left left l-_ his self destructive train of thoughts is cut off by the gentle kiss on his jaw, still a heaving mess, wiping his tears on the other's shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I'm annoying and a jerk, and I should've known better than this and I love you and I'm sorry."

It takes a few moments for the apology to set in, too shocked and upset by the abandonment. "Don't l-lie, if you hate me y-you sho-ould just sa... say so," he says, the sincerity in his voice makes Hajime lean down again to press his lips against the other's, trying to take away any self-directed venom the boy has to say. "If you want to leave you can j-" Oikawa added, only to get another soft kiss.

"I love you, _idiot_." he says, the word is a fond term between the two of them by now. It seems to calm him down a little and the crying stops but he's still shaken up, still full of betrayal and he's still terrified - it's hard for him to believe it, and Hajime understands and he doesn't blame him. He holds the Captain tightly, letting him climb onto his lap, feeling fingernails scrapping his body and limbs tightening around him, teeth sinking in occasionally to keep him there, prevent him to leave. Hands reach to the front of his shirt and grab the fabric and Hajime stays quiet and lets him, breathing him in and waiting for his trembles to pass and leave his body.

"I'm not going to leave you, ever, okay?" he says, making sure the other knows it - even for the next hour - he wants him to know.

He feels teeth on his neck and swallows, knowing it's more for Oikawa himself than him. "Hey, Oikawa..." he says gently, feeling a sharp pain, but he stays, accepting the punishment, or maybe it was a request. He can't help but flinch slightly, and in reaction to this he feels the teeth move to his collar.

" _Idiot_ ," Hajime hears as the teeth release his skin.

Fingers move through brown hair and after about fifteen minutes when Hajime asks if he wants to watch a movie he feels graceful fingers pulling his hair, probably a warning.

They stay like this until it gets uncomfortable which is around the time when Tooru starts gently moving against Hajime, or maybe it's exactly then, and soft kisses turn into reassurance and Oikawa feels his heart bursting out of his chest, feeling his boyfriend's love, and they press against each other and Oikawa breaks the kiss and says "idiot" under his breath before Hajime catches his lips again.

Hajime always leaves notes from now on and more than a promise to return it feels like a promise for soft kisses and hands roaming under shirts and comfort and everything Hajime was for Oikawa.

**Author's Note:**

> [breakdancing] i wrote this instead of studying and idk what im doing with my life and also [trips with hundreds of thousands of future ableist comments on this fic] haha . . .ha., should i write more of tihs let me know in the mfing comments have a nice day


End file.
